I have promised Allen and myself for too many days to count that I was going to sit own and type out a blog. And every day that I’ve made that promise, I have gone to bed a liar. So I decided just now to throw open my laptop and start typing. I have no idea where I’m going with this, so just hang with me.
I’m in a dangerous place right now. Maybe “dangerous” isn’t the right word. Let’s just call it “not good.” I don’t know if it’s because Mercury is in retrograde or if that’s a bunch of garbage we just use to excuse everything that’s not right with our lives, but I’m hanging on till April 15, just in case.
Full disclosure — I just typed out and deleted two entire paragraphs of me complaining. Nobody wants to hear that! I don’t even want to hear it and I just typed the whole thing. The truth is, I am abundantly blessed. And there is no reason or explanation for all my blessings other than God’s grace because I certainly don’t deserve any of it.
I think a lot of what’s going on with me is that while I trust God to take care of me and provide for all of my needs — and quite a few of my WANTS — I’m having a problem with doubt. When I say I trust Him, do I still try to rely on myself and not fully on Him? And am I TRULY where God wants me to be? Am I convincing myself that I’m following God’s plan for my life when I haven’t got any idea what that actually is? Or am I already living out God’s plan for my life and I’m simply too blind to see it?? And is praying, “God, if this isn’t what you want me to have, don’t let me have it” enough? Actually, I think He has answered that prayer for me a time or two. I should be saying more prayers of thanks for unanswered prayers and flat-out NOs. Honestly, if God had given me everything I cried so hard over that my nose holes would close up, my life would be in shambles.
Maybe what I’m feeling right now boils down to the fact that I’m facing another big change with this upcoming move while simultaneously turning another year older. Or maybe that danged Mercury just needs to hurry up and scoot on out of retrograde so I can start feeling like myself again.
All I know is that for now, I’m turning in a blog. And I’m not going to bed a liar.